Random Thoughts
Hey guys, I'm still waiting for certain photos before i update on a certain post. So yes. Here's just a simple rant.
Sometimes, she look at herself in the mirror and wonder who is that girl looking right back at her. Big brown eyes, short brown hair, chubby cheeks, wide waist, huge thighs and big feet. She wonder who that girl is. Because sometimes, when she look at her, she doesn't recognises her anymore. Because recently, she looks pretty much dead to her. Puffy brown eyes, eyebags, dark eye circles, sullen expression, hunched shoulders and messy hair. Lately all she does is check her phone, realises she has gotten through the whole night, staying awake, staring at her laptop, stands up and gets ready for school. The amount of make up she needs to cover up those eyebags and dark circles, the green contacts that she wears to make her look alive and the hair she tames to make her look like she's had a good night's rest.
But the moment she reaches school, she drops her teal bagu bag on the table, takes out her wallet, and buys a cup of hot tea. She sits down at the table, phone in her hand, whatsapping her best friends like nothing bothers her. The truth is, her mind is never at rest. The thoughts that haunts her every second of the day. "Have my best friends had enough of me? Is today the day that they will turn their backs and walk away from me? Will today be the day that my thoughts finally get the better of me and I'll go back to being the depressed girl i was a few years ago? Am I finally alone?" But no, her best friends came to school, hugs her tight and wishes her a good morning. For that half an hour they spend for breakfast, she wish it never ends, because for once, the voices and thoughts in her heads disappears.
Then it was time for class. She sits herself down on the swivel chair, takes out her laptop and stares at the screen. A collage of pictures of her and her bestfriends, she can't help but smile. Somehow, they were her saviors, her superheroes. Despite being the oldest and most mature among her friends, she was the one that needed saving. And the two faces on her screen was the reason she kept herself alive. As the lesson progresses, her skype came alive. Weird, funny and lame conversations came along and she can't help but appreciate these little things for she knew, happiness never last.
Lesson came to an end, she packed her bags and grab her phone to find messages from her best friends. The idea of spending time with them made time in spent in school bearable. From there on, the day ends with a walk back to the interchange while laughing and smiling with each other.
That was until things went out of hand. The boy she looked forward to see every morning became a sharp knife and the girl she looked forward to every morning became a medication. When one hurts, the other heals. She thought, "Maybe this is temporary. Maybe, its a phase for him. Maybe, there's still hope for me to help him. Maybe, he'll listen. Maybe, he'll be back to normal." She told herself that everyday. Endured the hurt he sent her way, the scars he left behind, the wounds he started to create. Slowly, but surely, she was breaking apart. The medication no longer work, for she was no longer healing. On hurtful thing led to another and soon, she was already in pieces. But still, she kept going, keep moving forward, kept believing that one day, he'll listen.
Her wounds now, still bleeding, but she no longer feels the pain. She has no more tears to cry, she has no more strength to try. Every single thing that came her way, she took it. Every hit, every punch and one day her heart shattered and she had no strength to put it back together. The mornings she looked forward to became something she feared. The conversation they had became something she avoided. The pain she felt every night became permanent. Her superheroes, the ones that once saved her, was also the ones that now, tore her apart. And right now, she's just holding on to a thin thread and hopes she doesn't fall into the darkness.
Sometimes, she look at herself in the mirror and wonder who is that girl looking right back at her. Big brown eyes, short brown hair, chubby cheeks, wide waist, huge thighs and big feet. She wonder who that girl is. Because sometimes, when she look at her, she doesn't recognises her anymore. Because recently, she looks pretty much dead to her. Puffy brown eyes, eyebags, dark eye circles, sullen expression, hunched shoulders and messy hair. Lately all she does is check her phone, realises she has gotten through the whole night, staying awake, staring at her laptop, stands up and gets ready for school. The amount of make up she needs to cover up those eyebags and dark circles, the green contacts that she wears to make her look alive and the hair she tames to make her look like she's had a good night's rest.
But the moment she reaches school, she drops her teal bagu bag on the table, takes out her wallet, and buys a cup of hot tea. She sits down at the table, phone in her hand, whatsapping her best friends like nothing bothers her. The truth is, her mind is never at rest. The thoughts that haunts her every second of the day. "Have my best friends had enough of me? Is today the day that they will turn their backs and walk away from me? Will today be the day that my thoughts finally get the better of me and I'll go back to being the depressed girl i was a few years ago? Am I finally alone?" But no, her best friends came to school, hugs her tight and wishes her a good morning. For that half an hour they spend for breakfast, she wish it never ends, because for once, the voices and thoughts in her heads disappears.
Then it was time for class. She sits herself down on the swivel chair, takes out her laptop and stares at the screen. A collage of pictures of her and her bestfriends, she can't help but smile. Somehow, they were her saviors, her superheroes. Despite being the oldest and most mature among her friends, she was the one that needed saving. And the two faces on her screen was the reason she kept herself alive. As the lesson progresses, her skype came alive. Weird, funny and lame conversations came along and she can't help but appreciate these little things for she knew, happiness never last.
Lesson came to an end, she packed her bags and grab her phone to find messages from her best friends. The idea of spending time with them made time in spent in school bearable. From there on, the day ends with a walk back to the interchange while laughing and smiling with each other.
That was until things went out of hand. The boy she looked forward to see every morning became a sharp knife and the girl she looked forward to every morning became a medication. When one hurts, the other heals. She thought, "Maybe this is temporary. Maybe, its a phase for him. Maybe, there's still hope for me to help him. Maybe, he'll listen. Maybe, he'll be back to normal." She told herself that everyday. Endured the hurt he sent her way, the scars he left behind, the wounds he started to create. Slowly, but surely, she was breaking apart. The medication no longer work, for she was no longer healing. On hurtful thing led to another and soon, she was already in pieces. But still, she kept going, keep moving forward, kept believing that one day, he'll listen.
Her wounds now, still bleeding, but she no longer feels the pain. She has no more tears to cry, she has no more strength to try. Every single thing that came her way, she took it. Every hit, every punch and one day her heart shattered and she had no strength to put it back together. The mornings she looked forward to became something she feared. The conversation they had became something she avoided. The pain she felt every night became permanent. Her superheroes, the ones that once saved her, was also the ones that now, tore her apart. And right now, she's just holding on to a thin thread and hopes she doesn't fall into the darkness.
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