Acceptance

And so, here I am once again writing more than just my daily happenings, but myself. And just a few days back, i realised i've done the one thing that i never thought that i could.

Being in a rough situation, doesn't matter whether it is a fight with a friend, a family member, your significant other or maybe, even yourself, there is always this feeling of guilt, anger, hate and all that other negativity the you exude out from the fight. But the worst times are always when someone important to yourself, walks away.

Recently, i've done some soul searching and I learnt alot about myself. I do this once every few months or every time something bad happens to me. And what i learnt about myself this time around compared to what i learnt the last time i soul-searched is totally different.

I had it pretty bad this time when someone walked away. I forced myself to not blame myself because i knew i wasn't the problem. But being who i am, the thought never really left my mind. I went around and talked to a few good friends and they made me understand the word love, acceptance and self-worth.

And from that, i learnt that from grieving about something, there are 5 stages and currently, i've finally come to the final stage.

Stage 1: Denial
It is the time when we want to deny the fact that we had lost something and now we have to live without it. This stage held me captive for about a week and it was hell week. Questioning myself if it was real and it everything was real. I couldn't really fathom the fact that i had adapted to a new routine just a few months ago and now, i'm forced to adapt to another whole new routine again.

Stage 2&3: Anger and Bargaining
This is where things get kinda messy sometimes. People deal with anger differently. Some people find it necessary to hurt the other person, while others, begin to hurt themselves. Surprisingly for me, this stage wasn't the worst part of the whole thing. I was angry, but just in the moment when i had that last conversation and everything was purely sadness and regret. I couldn't bear hurting others so i hurt myself by telling myself i needed to lower my self-worth.

Also in this stage, i had began to bargain. Maybe i could just hold on for a while longer and he'll keep me. You know those stupid things we tell people so that they will change their minds. Well like the other one, this stage wasn't the hardest thing to get over, but it hurt me the most. Because in this stage, the words exchange can sometimes hurt more than we realise.

Stage 4: Depression
This stage, might not affect most, but it affected me pretty bad. Having a history of this condition, i never thought i'd fall back into it pretty hard. I began to stop taking care of myself, not leaving my house, barely leaving my room and i avoided socialising as much as i could. I couldn't careless about myself and just got sucked into this blackhole that was eating me up alive. I slowly began to stop sleeping and didn't even think much when i fell sick too often. But this was also the stage that friends started to notice how ignorant and distant i became and started forcing me out and began talking to me.

Stage 5: Acceptance
After weeks of not taking care of myself, i finally saw the light. And no, i'm not dying, but i finally found my escape and i began to accept everything that happened to me. I started to look a little more alive and i began hanging with my friends. I started socialising again and getting back on my two feet and doing things as how i always did before anything bad happened.


But lets all be honest here. Scars take a little more time to heal and i'm still healing. But just because sometimes it hurts, doesn't mean i can't move on from it. I've learnt and this is just another lesson given to me like all the others. I'm glad i recovered much faster than the rest because i really didn't like the place i was in before all this acceptance began to seep in.

My sincere advice if any of you are in any of these stages of grief, just keep pushing on. Be strong and at the end of the day, you will always reach the final stage, like i did. And it'll be a tough road to walk on but it'll be worth it.

And to prove that i'm finally almost as good as new, here's a new cover that i posted up on my youtube channel!