Crossroads

And so, double post cos I just needed to write. Feel free to not read and press the x at the top corner of the screen. If you're still reading then, hi.

crossroads

Dictionary result for crossroads

/ˈkrɒsrəʊdz/

noun

1. 1.

   an intersection of two or more roads.

   "Donna accelerated, seeing a crossroads ahead"
2. 2.

   a point at which a crucial decision must be made which will have far-reaching consequences.

   "by 1998 I was at the crossroads"

I'm talking about point number 2. I'm an adult but there are days, I wish I wasn't. I didn't want to make decisions cos sometimes, I don't know what to do. 

I'm in a situation where I always lose. I wanna please everyone and I don't know since when I've been trying to do that. I know, "you can't please everybody" but I guess along the way when I grew up, i kinda forgot?

As I grew up, I kinda lost that rebellious spark I had. I'm not saying go around beating the shit out of people. I'm saying to just be adventurous. To just live. I've been in this little bubble where I always put myself last. 

Why last? Because everyone else seems to be more important to me. I don't know why. My family, friends, partner, whoever laaaa. I don't know ah, maybe I'm just naive? Hoping if I do make good decisions, other people will make them too.

I've sugarcoated myself to a point, there are days I don't recognise myself. I'm fighting myself which is weird. I won that battle years ago and here I am, back here again. So please, help me. 

I'm trying to adapt to many things now because my life is slowly changing and the sunrise everyday. But then again, I have this little naive hope in me that everyone around me would slowly meet me in the middle. That I didn't have to change so much just for their sake. 

For those who know me, I've never been one to back down. I've never held my head down in fights. I've never been quiet when my principles are questioned. But for some reason, I have lost my voice. I have lost myself. 

I have begun to question my decisions and it scares me. For there is one decision that I have made early in the year that could make or break my life. And here I am wondering if I knew exactly what I signed up for.

My crossroad, begins here. For I don't know if whatever I choose now, would lead to a happily ever after or would I end up otherwise? 

I'm a little impulsive right now because I've been awake for at least 65 hours straight. So, I'm hoping sleep hugs me tonight, and I hope it hugs me tight. Maybe with a little sleep, my decision-making skills wouldn't be so bad. Right?