Marriage, is it really like the books and movies?

I've been away for so long that I forgot that I had this. I always wanted to get things off my chest and I've never been one to really kind of spill to friends about things that should be kept behind closed doors. 

I've been married, coming to 4 years now. It'll be a huge lie if i said it just happy days. We fight, and when we do, it gets intense. i've always been strong minded and my husband, well, he's his own person. 

I've just been really tired of fighting lately. It has been tough times with us lately. With him out of a job and worrying about being able to sustain the family. I've offered but men and their egos. Also, we come from very different backgrounds. Where i'm really family oriented, where i try to be involved in all family events and matters but he... well, wasnt built that way. 

And this has become the biggest difference in our lives. 

I always put my family first. I'll leave work, skip a day just to make sure everything is in place for my family. My husband, well he doesnt quite see it that way. My parents have always volunteered to help with out daughter. He sees this as an opportunity to kind of take a break. But parents, we dont get breaks. Well, not long-term. I dont know how to put this is a way where it doesnt paint my husband in a bad light. 

Well i guess he just takes the opportunity as it comes. I dont know. My head's a mess and i just cant find the words. Even in times like this, i'm still trying to hide him from being labeled. But i guess if i'm turning to writing, it has gotten pretty bad. 

I havent had it easy since the year started. Work has been draining and well, that takes a toll on you when you spend most of your day at work. That 5 days out of 7 and 9 hours a day. I come home, and i dont really have much time left to really hang out with my daughter until its time to put her to sleep. 

I'm exhausted but my husband is too. But there are days where its just harder than others to get by. 

But this is whats bothering me. My husband never says sorry. He never comes up to me to say, "hey i did wrong. i'm sorry i'm hurting you. i guess we can work things out." NO. He just doesnt.

He comes home and he goes to sleep and then i'm just left with my thoughts and it eats me up alive. i stay awake, just crying then wiping my tears, then crying again. until sleep finally consumes me. and then i wake up having to pretend that we never fought at all and move on with my day. But its always at the back of my head and in the end, just to give myself closure, i apologise. I always start the conversation, throw my ego down and apologise. And it gets exhausting to just keep surpressing how i feel all the time. Lock up my feelings just so that we can move on with life. 

He tells me he gets shoved aside and his feelings dont matter. What about mine? Everytime we argue, its always because i dont agree with him. But there are times where what he says dont makes sense but he doesnt want to admit it because he just wants to be validated. It my job to make sure that he feels validated. But where's my validation?

Fuck, the wordspill has started. i'm just typing whatever that comes up in my head. With blurry eyes, and this salty taste on my tongue, i just needed to get this off my chest. 

i know that marriage is not like the movies and books. i know enough because i've seen the fights, the arguments, the heartache. I've watched how people cheat on their spouses just because they cant communicate what they want. but i can hope right there are days where it feels like the movies and books? i can hope that maybe we could be as happy or as romantic as the stories they tell. 

But no, i lay down on the bed and have tears instead. Its lik those teenage romance movies where the boyfriends does something to hurt the girl's feelings and she stays cooped up in her room crying her eyes out. But the difference is, my husband is sleeping the night away while i let my thoughts consume me. 

last time i felt this way was a long time ago and i never thought i'd be down this deep dark hole again. god knows if i'll ever forgive myself for even thinking my husband was the biggest mistake i'd make in my life. god forgive me. but those really bad nights got me thinking it. but the grass is always greener where you're not at. everyone else suddenly seems so much better when you cant have them. and thats human.

i hope god gives me enough strength to fix this and get through this. god help me because i dont know what else to do. i fucking dont.