Relapse and Recovery

Today, it suddenly dawned upon me how serious this issue is. I believe people do not really know why we all go into this state of mind or how hard we try to fight it. But here's an experience - as hard it is to say but it would be easier for all of you to understand why address it - from a girl who had a Relapse and Recovery, ME. But before that, read this post I came across on Tumblr today.

I believe many of us have harmed ourselves one way or another. It does not have to be a razor to the skin. 

It can be MENTALLY.

- People looking down on you. They degrade you so much, that you start to believe it. You begin to look down on yourself as often too. You start to degrade yourself that it becomes a normal routine.

- Stress and expectations. Sometimes you hold a certain kind of presence in a room of people. Due to that, people expect alot from you. Sometimes they even expect more than what you can actually do. Because they expect too much and you feel like you can't deliver, you turn into this person who does work 24/7 trying to meet expectations, stuck in a cocoon of a world and their voices are screaming loudly in your head asking you to be better and you NEED to be better.

It can be PHYSICALLY:

- This is where you put a razor to your skin. You feel so much pain that it becomes nothing. You eventually feel numb. You turn to a razor to make you feel again. The pain is not unbearable but its where we find comfort.

It can be EMOTIONALLY:

- People making hurtful jokes about how you look. They make a joke out of it not realizing that you try to hide the hurt that tries so hard not to surface. You hide it and eventually when you get into the proximity of your room, you start to cry knowing that you cannot accept what they said about you. Their voices still loud in your head.

You see, self-harm doesnt really mean a razor to the skin. There are many ways. From self-harm we always delve into something much deeper and darker, DEPRESSION. Maybe not everyone, but I did. I went deep into it that it began to feel hard to recover. I had scars all over my arms and my legs. I look at them as art, as battle scars. 

But just like the picture I came across, i eventually took the razors I had put it in a box and threw it away. I didn't want to be the girl who was seen as a girl with a disorder. I wanted to be the girl who was confident about herself. She was smart enough, she was good enough. I wanted to just be ENOUGH for everything that I do. I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to be a survivor. I did not want to be hanging by a rope from the ceiling fan at the end of the day. I wanted to be the girl who loved herself and despite what others say, just be happy. 

Also, if you ever encounter people with such a problem, issue, disorder or whatever it is that you would want to call it, please, I say PLEASE, do not ever say, "Hey its going to be fine. It's not that bad. Everything will pass." or "Don't pretend to be do this all cutting or having mental issues. You're just trying to gain attention."

Never, I repeat again NEVER say this. For people like us, it is never fine. It is so bad that sometimes we take our own lives. It will never pass because it is all happening inside our head. NO, WE ARE NOT TRYING TO GAIN ATTENTION. We never want people to notice. NEVER. But people just notice because they see the scars. Help them. Be there for them. Convince them that no matter how bad it gets, they have a friend who is going to scream at their face every time they even think of taking their own lives. Convince them even if they don't believe in themselves, others do and they are never alone.

I don't deny, certain words and conversation still open up some old wounds, but nothing I couldn't heal from. I believe everyone has a choice. I believe we can all choose to either survive or give in. If you ever need a friend, someone to talk to, the nearest person is always right next to you, your best friend, your family. They will help you without a second thought. Believe me, I would know.