3am Thoughts

Hey guys. I'm up at 3am right now, and thats pretty rare to be honest. But lately, a lot of things have been bugging me. I guess i'm made to just overthink and not really letting of things really easily. It doesn't really have to be relationship, daily things, sometimes, i hold on to even some things people say unintentionally. So let me just rant, like honestly rant, this time around.

You know how you end up on tumblr and then you come across a post that says, "call me at 11pm, i'd say call me again at 3 or 4am. Cos that's the time i'd honestly tell you something i wouldn't tell you right now." You know, i never really truly understood that phrase until tonight. Because honestly, if someone text me right now, i'd honestly bare my soul to them, and they'd probably know more about me than anyone, even my parents, they'd even more about me than my parents ever did.

And to be on tumblr, and to see so many things that are so real and relatable at this kind of hour just gets me thinking. I've been liking guys, falling for the wrong people, hurting myself, letting people in and out of my life, being okay about everything. Truth is, i'm not okay about anything. I'm not okay being the youngest kid in the family and feeling inferior to my brothers. I don't like feeling vulnerable, falling in love with guys that i know i don't have a chance with. I don't like feeling like its okay for people to make me feel like having a disorder is the biggest flaw in my life. I don't like feeling like i have to try so hard for people to even notice me.

But you know what, i just put up a tough front, smile through everything. Live through it like its something its something that doesn't bother me. But let's be honest, its past 3am right now, and i feel like shit. I just had one hell of a day behind me and another epic day in front of me. But right now, i feel like a piece of shit because i feel like if i didn't exist, nothing else changes.

You know how people say that sometimes you should just disappear for a while and maybe someone will start searching for you. I really wanna do that. Like disappear for a few days, and see if someone actually looks for me. But lets be honest right now, what is someone didn't? What if you never crossed the mind of the people who crosses your mind every damn fucking day? What if the person who is constantly inside your head, don't even give a damn?

Honestly at right now, its past 3am and if you give me call, i'd tell you everything about me, and you might consider once again, what kind of person and who i really am.