My Great Escape!

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For years, i have planned a day to escape life. I always saw it as a way to have fun, to have a vacation, something that would come with joy and happiness. But right now, i'll tell everyone who wants to know, why i had escaped life for a few days.

So here you go, MY GREAT ESCAPE.

I've always stared at a challenge or a dream or even a goal, dead straight in the eye. I wouldn't back down or even hesitate to make a decision. But this year have been pretty hard on me and let's be honest, a getaway was long overdue for me. So i had planned a trip to Batam with my parents, way in advance. I picked a hotel, ferry, spa packages and everything was planned out smoothly. Until the day i fell for the one guy i should not have. 

Things went south from there. I was pretty much a mess, mentally, and of course, i felt even more stress from work and even from my own friends. Here's a list of it all. 

1. I know everyone has a rough time, and we have it pretty hard sometimes. But take a look at everyone else around you, are they having it worse? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own misery, we forget to take a step back and think if others are hurting more. 

2. Thoughts left unsaid. Yes, i'm a depression patient, i'll say it loud and clear for you. If you think i'm not worthy as a friend, then pack your bags, walk out. So many have done that before. I won't say it doesn't hurt, cos it does. But if that's what's best, then go ahead. I'm nobody to stop you from having the best. 

3. If you have something you don't like about me, say it to my face. Why'd you gotta complain to other people and tell them? Wouldn't it be better if you told me straight in the face? Like it would be much easier without a third party. 

4. I know i changed. I know, i felt it the moment i started going out halfway for intern. People change, its inevitable. But if it affects you, tell me. I don't want to be a burden or even something you find hard to deal with, because let's face it, some people just don't like change. 

5. I guess falling for someone i knew i couldn't get, was the suckiest feeling i ever went through. I mean i know i had no chance, but i wanted to keep going. Why? Because for some reason, i felt like he was worth it. He was worth the wait, worth the fight, worth the pain, just basically worth it. He found out, for some reason, never spoke to me about it, had me feel like it was all going to just disappear.

Everything bothered me. Even to the littlest things. I got mood swings. I went back to get myself checked again to see if i was okay. I went through hell. Then an idea hit me and i guess i went for it. I cancelled my plans for Batam and went on impulse, bought a plane ticket to Cali and told my parents i was going to disappear. And that's exactly what i did. 

You know i guess it was kind of a mistake telling people i was going on a holiday cos no one really cared when i went missing. On social media, on whatsapp groups. Then one tweet, everyone started asking questions. Even so, i didn't know if it was just me, but no one from the whatsapp group, kay maybe like 2 asked. But the one guy i hoped for, never did. And yet, in my escapades, i wished he was there.

So here, i began it all. 

With a Landrover, a backpack, enough cash, i went on a roadtrip to forget everything. I tried my best not to touch my phone, kept going until my body felt sore. I wanted to forget all my worries, and this is how i wanted to do it. People might say, "you're running away." NO, I'M FACING THEM HEAD ON. 

When you're alone, every thought comes rushing back. Thats where i fought. I fought with my own mind. Everyday i tried to push out every single negative thought i had and tried to create new ones along the way. I made friends, saw great landscapes and of course, the experience was something i could never trade anything for.

I saw life in a different perspective. I felt like a runaway. Sitting alone at cafes, then heading out on the road again. Going through bad rainstorms and knowing that the GPS had to be the best thing that was ever invented. Sang loudly in the car alone cos it was the best sound ever. Stopping at times to catch my breath because i was driving too fast and thinking i was heading out too far. Then sometimes i would just squat by the car, hoping every single memory and problems that i had came rushing back, was going to disappear. I didn't like the things i had to fight in my head. But i gathered myself together and went on. You know, every great sight i saw, i wanted to share it with someone, but i was alone.

I even ended up meeting a street performer and sang with him because in the moment, i forgot everything else but the music. I loved the feeling of seeing the smiles on everyone's faces as they walk by us. These few days, it taught me alot. It taught me that sometimes in a group of friends, you're neither a variable nor a liability. Sometimes you might just be a filler you keep the spaces full. And i guess thats who i am since no one really cared. It sucks to know, but i respect their decision anyways. Everyone if still my friend, i've still got my lifelines and of course, for the guy i like, an escape isnt a way to let go, its just a distraction to forget. In time, the feeling will fade, and we'll all be on our merry ways. To the guy i like, well, we've all got our own dreams and people we wanna pursue. Just know that i've got your back, for anything at all. Even if its to get the girl you like, i'll gladly help you out.

I never wanted anything from anyone. I just thought, with me gone, things might have been different. Like it would affect someone. Maybe someone would ask about me. Maybe my lack of presence would..... you get drift, right? But i guess, things don't always turn out how you expect it to. A few asked, but not the ones i wished for. I mean i'm glad they realised i was different, missing, gone, whatever you wanna call it. But sometimes disappearing teaches you alot about people. 

So here's the conclusion, i left to find a peace of mind. To just find a reason to stay sane and keep going in life. Because before that, i kept feeling shitty about myself. I kept thinking i was the root of every problem and i owed people alot. And i still do, but at the same time, i know i can stand on my own two feet. After everything that happened this past few days, i know how easy it is succumb to the negatives and forget the positives. Because lets be honest, sometimes we pick the easiest way out. My escape wasn't easy, neither was it hard, but i can say, it was something i would never trade anything for.