Running Out of Time

Hey guys, i know i said no more depressed post. But i guess i just can't avoid it. So here's another one, if you don't wanna read it, i guess i understand. So here goes.

You know how you surround yourself with people who means the world to you, then you look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and you just know, they deserve so much better. You start to question yourself if you deserve such people in your life.

I had a chat with a good friend of mine recently and the late night drives kinda gave me some alone time to think about life. I realised that there are so many things about myself that changed. I would blame it on the internship, but sometimes, its just me.

For years, my passion was music. I have been surrounded by music my whole life. I sang, danced and even appreciated it as much as i could. But suddenly, recently, its been something that became a burden to me. If you subscribe to my Youtube channel, you'll realise that covers aren't really being uploaded recently. Music is something that comes a very hard reminder of how different i became right now.

Since i was diagnosed with a disorder, not everyone could look me the same way. It was either with pity, or with disgust. But what hurt the most about this was that sometimes, even the people i call best friends use it against me. Like i never asked for it to happen to me, it just did and there is nothing i can do about it but get myself treated, alright.

Relationships and feelings scare me. I think thats the main reason i fell into depression, because i didn't like to feel. I've had my fair share of good relationships but i guess i've had the bad ones more. It scares me how i could just totally like someone, be vulnerable and let them use it against me. I hate liking someone and knowing they like someone else. I don't like the idea of having to pretend to feel okay when i'm not.

All i'm saying is, i'm running out of time to pull myself together. I feel like i should get away, and just clear my head. But this are the question that hits me,

IF I DISAPPEARED, WOULD ANYONE NOTICE?

IF I DISAPPEARED, WOULD ANYONE CARE?

IF I DISAPPEARED, WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?