What am I supposed to feel?

 

I'm guilty of both things you read up there. I use the sentence "I'm fine" so many times that it became more of a habit rather than a feeling. Before anyone gets confused, let me enlighten everyone. 

From all my previous post since i came back here, has been pretty depressing. I know, I've noticed. But my blog has always been an escape, a place where i can speak my mind without covering up anything. Yes, i don't like sharing my pain, because i'm so used to going through pain alone. 

This past few days, my eyes have known nothing but sadness, pain and tears. Each time i end up on my bed watching a movie, some stupid scene would trigger a memory and there goes the waterworks. As much as i'm the tough girl that i've been thus far, i'm really not that tough at all. 

Someone ask me, "how do you break something that's already broken?" And my answer was simple. "You pretend that want to fix it then give up when you realised the broken pieces are hurting you too."

I've had pretty bad stuff happen to me 2 years ago. I learnt from it but one thing i learnt from it was that, there's always something else that can hurt you even more. There is always someone who will believe your facade and not realise how broken you really are. 

I rarely do this but i'll be talking and writing like i'm directly speaking to someone. And if you read this, you know it you. 

I tried to fix things. I wanted to fix things. I put aside the fact that i was hurt and in pain and wanted to help fix you more than anything else. You were worth it when i asked for that last conversation for us. But then i realised you were set and your mind made up. 

You wouldn't compromise with me. You didn't understand where i was coming from. I was telling you that despite whatever it is that happens to you and whoever you become after everything, i won't go running for the hills. I mean, i've stayed and dealt with your antics thus far, why not go all the way. 

You kept saying that life in unfair. But the truth is, its just you. You didn't want to believe that someone actually wants to accept you for all the bullshit that you are and will become. You said i made this difficult. For the love of God, you knew i was a difficult person. I fight for what i want. But when i'm the only one fighting, what's the point, right? 

You said some pretty harsh things and i can't believe you were so heartless. I met my scary fucking ex alone to settle everything because you wanted him to stay away and i did it. And this is what i get in return. You know, my ex was a douche, but at least i knew he loved me. I knew he'd do pretty much anything to keep me around. Do you?

I told you i was crying almost every night and you know what you said? "You know what, thats your problem" Oh really? Wow! Well done! You've hurt me in ways i never knew i could feel pain. And phrases like "we were never going to be together!" oh really? so what was i? your friends with benefits? Something you kept around to keep you happy, then when you realised she's of no use, you throw her to the curb? You thing i'm some doll without feelings?

I tried to rationalise with you. I tried to make you see exactly what you're doing to me and to yourself. But apparently i didn't hurt you enough to realise that i was capable of being a bitch. I liked you too much to make you hate me but i guess you wanted me to hate you so much. 

You said you planned things for my birthday. Only God knows how much i looked forward to it. For the first time in forever, i had someone special to spend it with. And i had loved the idea that 2015 blessed me with the one wish i had asked for. I loved the fact that i could be happy and feel like a princess to someone. And this happened. You said i should have seen my present. but why would you not let me have it? Why won't you enjoy the one thing i look forward to every year. You knew my birthday meant alot to me and for once i learnt why some people hated birthdays. Because now, i hate mine. 

You asked me to leave you alone and i shall. But i'm still here hurting and wondering if everything you said was just to purposely keep me away or you meant every single word of it. I can't help but want to believe that you're not the heartless guy that you want me to believe. I'm sorry but i want to be hopeful that maybe you're really the nice guy that i really liked. Maybe somewhere in the middle, i began to fall, which is why i crashed so hard.