Have I Changed?

Hello hello hello! I know its been far too long since i actually wrote anything. For those who still religiously wait for an update, i thank you all. For those who don't, i can't really blame you all. So here goes another rant, update, post or whatever it is that this one qualifies as.

Its been a few months since i actually had a fallout in a relationship, or if i can even call it that to be honest. But yeah, i did had a good time while it lasted and suffered when it kinda fell apart. But here i am today, trying my best to look at the brighter side of life all over again. I think throughout the recovery period, i've totally changed and sometimes, i feel that it isn't actually for the better.

First and foremost, i realised that i pretty much don't smile as much as i used to. I mean you'll still be able to see me smile if you make a joke or if i'm just downright having a good time. But other times, i've succumbed to finally having a resting bitch face. And it has affected generally. Like people around me thinks i'm arrogant just cause i don't constantly smile whenever we have eye-contact. Like i used to do that, but now, i just don't really care. Like, i don't know you and you don't know me. So i'm not actually obligated to do anything nice for you, like smile. Like i'm not obligated to impress you unless you're like my friend or something.

Second, i realised that i pretty much can't find myself to trust anyone lately. I mean, family and real good friends don't count. Its like the new people that entered my life. I don't know how to explain this right. Its like you've been fucked over so many times, you just don;t know who else is gonna do it to you. Maybe the next ones might be the ones closest to you or even some stranger you recently just met. Its like you have little to no trust anymore for anything.

I think its the last most prominent one, i just lost all faith and hope actually. I mean, its not that i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, its just that the light is rarely there anymore. Some days, its easier to get through and other days, its just a blackout. I went from having no anxiety to slowly building one up. This probably happened because the last time i had a relationship, i promised myself that the next relationship that i jump would be my last and i'd put in my utmost efforts to make it work. And now that its another fallout, i just don't think that i'll ever want to commit or settle down, with the fear that maybe, i'm the problem.

And so, in case some of you don't already know, i'm fucked up. All kinds of it. And yet, i'm still trying to survive and get through life as much as i can. I'm taking it day by day and slowly, maybe i'll learn to actually start caring again and then maybe i won't be as broken anymore. And until that day happens, i'm still gonna be the fucked up girl who writes here whenever she has too much on her mind and doesn't feel like burdening her friends with the petty problems.